All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
