Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
