I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
