Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
