at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
