I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
