My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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