well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
