first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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