Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
