no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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