If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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