if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
