I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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