I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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