Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
