I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
