he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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