I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
