And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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