my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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