Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
