I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
