Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
