i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
