There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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