she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
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WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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