don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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