I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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