White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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