Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
