I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
