I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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