Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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