i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
