Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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