Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
