I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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