swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
