Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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