"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
