sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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