I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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