3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
