Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
worst night to have a conscience
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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