The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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