wrigley field is MILF paradise
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
