I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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