ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize