take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
too bad you live with your parents still
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
