That reminds me...we need to get swords
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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