drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
