I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
