The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
