Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
