I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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