i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
