apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
