I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
