i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i think my cat just said my name.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
