She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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